WORKING HALF DAYS

My reward for showing up half of the time.

USED CAR DEALER

A person who's positive comments regarding his inventory could be used to make your petunias bloom in vivid colors.

A BRIDGE TOO FAR

The reason my dentist said he needed an extra $5,000 to make me a set of false teeth.  He said I had an unusually wide mouth.

ALIEN LIFE FORM

Exists under the front seat of my car.  Lives on french fries, Big Gulps.  Afraid of vacuum noise.

CAST AN EYE TO OUR YARD SUGAR PIE

Cast an eye out to our yard dear Sugar Pie,
Winter's receeded, see what lay and what lie,
Our neat yard has not winter weathered,
I feel tarred and then feathered,
We'll be picking up sticks as we watch the stars die,

TRAVEL TRAILER

A mobile home during a tornado.

BASIC NEEDS

Food, Water and video games.

SWIMMER'S ITCH

The result of taking too many baths.

LITTLE RASCALS

The scabies I got from the suit I bought at a secondhand clothing store.

WIDE NOODLES

Description of scientists gathered at a symposium on the theory of a multiverse.

STARSHIP

The word that always make me think of "The Love Boat."

CHICKEN

It's what I eat after being kicked, bit or gored by all the larger animals.

PHYSICAL LABOR

The reason I don't show up for a job and demonstrate teamwork.

TEAMWORK

What other people do when I don't showup.

CATCH OF THE DAY

Bragging that my new fly paper that has artificial intelligence.

MIDNIGHT COWBOY

The way I felt at that party where I tried on a western hat and had my first (and last) chew of tobacco.

POST NASAL DRIP

The name people used for my skinny brother in grade school.  He was skinny as a post and his nose was always running.

BED WARMER

When the kerosine heater you have next to your bed catches the pizza boxes under your bed on fire then, you have a "Bed Warmer."

ROCKET FUEL

My dad's recipe for morning coffee.

EXCAVATOR

The technician who cleans my teeth.

PARALLEL TIME

The moments your child stands in the cold waiting for you to pick her up at school while you take a long winters nap after binge watching Ice Road Warriors.

SOCIALIST

One who always hits the "Like" button on every post on social media.

WELL WISHER

A person who wishes to throw you into a well.

NOSE WARMER

Every time Gregg the 6th grade bully would punch me in the face, the gushing blood would always made my nose warmer.

TIME WARP

The reason I never finished a physics exam.  Thank goodness the teacher graded on a curve.

PERSON OF INTEREST

My parents always told me that if I were a "person of interest" maybe I'd have some friends.

FAMINE

The intense feelings of hunger and panic when there is only one piece of pizza left and there are eight people in the room lusting for it.

SNOWBOUND

The result of eating two lbs of grated cheese on 1/2 lb of spaghetti.