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Sunday, December 25, 2016

Sunday, December 18, 2016

AUTO INSURANCE

A very large fee that drivers must pay to stay out of jail but, it can also help you to qualify for free food and a stay at the homeless shelter.

Sunday, December 11, 2016

TRUTH

Like the snake headed Medusa, it is something so dreaded that if you just take a peek at it you will turn to stone.

Sunday, December 4, 2016

ALIEN LIFE FORM

Exists under the front seat of my car.  Lives on french fries, Big Gulps.  Afraid of vacuum noise.

Sunday, November 27, 2016

Sunday, November 6, 2016

Friday, November 4, 2016

Thursday, November 3, 2016

POLITICAL ACTIVIST

Uncle Hank at every single family function.

POLITICAL DISCOURSE
Grandpa Billy throwing the Thanksgiving Day Turkey at Uncle Hank.

POLITICAL DEBATE
Uncle Hank throwing a bowl of green olives back at Grandpa Billy.

"POLITICS AS USUAL"

When a politician pays off all of his constituents except me.
 

Sunday, October 30, 2016

MECHANICALLY-SEPARATED CHICKEN

The result of a chicken-robot confrontation.  Note:  remains of chicken used as main ingredient in most American hot dogs.  It saves the cost of a funeral.

Sunday, October 23, 2016

BOOGEYMAN

Weird acting, scary looking creature that lurks around the house and never leaves:  also known as daughter's boyfriend

PSEUDOSCIENCE

A method used to describe observed results when nothing was actually observed.

Sunday, October 16, 2016

Sunday, October 9, 2016

TIME TRAVELER

One who has discovered that they have the ability to move through time.  Unfortunately, a check in the mirror will show them the trip has been one way.

Sunday, October 2, 2016

SPEAKING TRUTH-TO-POWER

Telling your bosses what you think of them and their business practices when you know that you're going to be fired anyway.

FIXER-UPPER

Facetious term often applied to homes for sale with multiple problems such as:  a leaking roof, fire damage, cracks in the foundation and, sudden cave-ins.

Sunday, September 25, 2016

HABIT

Something really boring when it's good but, really exciting when it's bad.

Saturday, September 10, 2016

DEPLORABLE

Friends and relatives who come to one’s home to visit and pick up all the change and jewelry they find lying around or, change and jewelry they find in desk and dresser drawers when the host goes to the bathroom.   Often times deplorable people bring along a heavy screwdriver to shimmy open a safe or locked strongbox they happen to find while looking under one's bed. 



Sunday, August 28, 2016

GRAMMAR TROLL

Someone who hates an idea and argues against it by using a set of arbitrary rules that everybody hates.  The number one reason for the "SPAM" button.

A person without friends.

One who prefers structure over love.



TRAVEL TRAILER

A mobile home during a tornado.

Sunday, August 21, 2016

CAN OPENER

Refers to a man who lifts the seat up on a toilet before urinating.

Antonym:  Dead Man Walking.

Sunday, August 7, 2016

NUCLEAR FALLOUT

It's what happened when the eggs I was cooking in the microwave exploded and I din't clean up the mess.

Sunday, July 24, 2016

PARANOID: DEFINITION AND ANTONYM

PARANOID
Description of a living being who thinks that everyone and everything is out to get him/her. 

COMPLACENT
Description of a non-living being who did not believe that everyone and everything was out to get him/her.

Sunday, July 17, 2016

Sunday, July 10, 2016

HYPOCRITE

Someone who comments on the moral failings of others and then, just to get their point across personally demonstrates that moral failing.  

Thursday, July 7, 2016

VAMPIRE VIRGIN VS. VIRGIN VAMPIRE

VIRGIN VAMPIRE:
A vampire who has never bitten anyone for blood.

VAMPIRE VIRGIN:
Someone who has never been bitten by a vampire.

Sunday, July 3, 2016

WIND SPEED

A measure taken to ascertain the pitch of a flagellant release.  A low, medium or, high pitch corresponds directly with measures of slow, medium or, fast wind speeds.

Sunday, June 26, 2016

Sunday, June 19, 2016

MORTAL ENEMY

Someone who is far less of a threat than demons, vampires, zombies, ghosts, banshees, leprechauns or, garden gnomes.  

Sunday, June 12, 2016

CHICKEN-FEED

Type of wages paid to chickens and to those who make chicken sandwiches served from drive-up windows. 

Sunday, June 5, 2016

WHOOPING COUGH

A wheezing cough that my friends in high school often got when they tried out for sports.

Sunday, May 29, 2016

UNEMPLOYMENT

The freedom to do whatever you want to do as long as all you want to do is to sit outside and stare into space.

Sunday, May 22, 2016

LOCK AND LOAD

Refers to the consumption of a Giant bean burrito followed by a double mocha cappuccino.

Sunday, May 15, 2016

Sunday, May 8, 2016

PIZAZZ

If you know what this word means then, you must be really old.  If you use this word then, you are living proof that cryogenics works.

Sunday, April 24, 2016

SPACE PORT

A type of wine brewed in outer space.  Often attributed with giving wine connoisseurs a radiant glow after consumption (glow-in-the-dark).

Caution:  Space Port is not recommended for women who are nursing or pregnant.  Space Port may cause serious side affects such as:  loss of hair, appetite, mental illness, diarrhea, cancer, kidney failure, liver failure, blindness, psoriasis, toe nail fungus, bad breath and death.  Space Port may also cause genetic mutations such as:  changing into a giant monster, becoming a zombie, growing extra appendages and digits or, uncontrollable nose and ear hair growth.  Other side affects could be more serious.

Sunday, April 17, 2016

Sunday, April 10, 2016

COLON

An often misused punctuation mark or;  the place where last nights chili decided to stay for a while.

Sunday, April 3, 2016

SATIRE

An attempt to make something seem funny that usually just makes a lot of people really mad.

Sunday, March 27, 2016

BIGFOOT

An appendage that is often inserted into mouth when talking to the boss.

Sunday, March 20, 2016

VIGOROUS DEFENSE

Lawyer talk for "let's hurry up and take a plea deal; I'm already late for lunch."

Sunday, March 13, 2016

Sunday, March 6, 2016

Sunday, February 28, 2016

JANUARY THAW

When people who live together are snowed in for so long that they have no choice but to start speaking again.

Sunday, February 21, 2016

Sunday, February 14, 2016

BRIDGE

Low cost apartment with running water.  Bathroom often shared with other tennants.

Sunday, February 7, 2016

Sunday, January 31, 2016

WINTER WONDERLAND

That time of the winter in Northern Michigan when you start to wonder why you didn't move to Florida at the end of September.

Sunday, January 24, 2016

Sunday, January 17, 2016

Sunday, January 10, 2016

REMOTE CONTROL

An instrument many children use to gain their parents full attention each month when, the cable bill arrives.

Sunday, January 3, 2016

PRESIDENTIAL DEBATE

What families do when they are deciding whether or not to watch a movie, sports or, reality TV while the politicians bicker over who should become president.